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By Marion Erskine
It was not so long ago that one of the nicest motels opened near the apartment building I live in. Very impressive from the outside. The themed rooms are all there: Arabian nights, Persia, Italy, —you name it. The rooms seemed fit for a king. Motels in Taiwan aren’t as sleazy as many in the West are. The reason? They get a lot of business. I mean, let’s really think about this carefully: You live in a house with your father, mother, your wife’s mother and maybe an uncle. The two kids were forced upon you by a strict conservative society. One boy, one girl. That’s what society demands. And a pavement special canine that costs you an arm and a leg seals the ‘happy family’ package. Pinching each other in the dark is just not easy in most homes around the island. And considering the fact that we’re out of lots of space, the idea of privacy is yearned for on a daily basis.
I always say: “When there is need, satisfy it!” Let me clarify: I’m not talking about that need, I’m talking about the need for privacy. Sheeez!
A while ago I walked past this intriguing motel with my foreign girlfriend – let’s call her Bodacious Betty. Betty also needed to know if the place looked as good from the inside as from the outside. She marched across the road in order to get a price. The poor Taiwanese lady was overwhelmed by the tall redhead charging up to her and stating her question in every wrong tone that foreigners-speaking-Mandarin had to offer: “Shou Shee… shou shee.. duo shao chian?”. Luckily for her our faithful Taiwanese friend Fabulous Frank came to the rescue of Betty’s pronunciation problem and to support the poor lady’s embarrassment for not understanding what’s going on. I’m sure it didn’t cover the section “how to react when a crazy foreigner storms you” in her training. At long last a price was given, and a plan started brewing.
Christmas was approaching fast. Hey, the festive season in Taiwan isn’t always that easy. The trees and lights are plenty, but the spirit is as shallow as the clear fluid in a contact lens cleaning bowl. What to do?
We always hear about the great meals that our family is preparing back home. Some love rubbing the salt in our wounds because we chose to stay in Asia during this time. So on December 23, Marvelous Me, Bodacious Betty, Fabulous Frank and 3 other gorgeous young foreign ladies, who will not be named due to their popular demand, walked into the motel at 9 p.m. We would make sure that even if Alzheimer’s strikes, we’d always have this Christmas memory to hang on to!
If you thought the lady was shaken the first day when Bodacious Betty charged her, you should have seen the face of the new lady behind the counter. She followed us with her CD-sized eyes and half-opened mouth until we made a left through the huge white door welcoming us to our home for the evening. Very soon we entered our Arabian Palace. It was awsome! Armed with cameras, gluwein and Christmas cookies, we stormed into the room while the large garage door closed behind us.
If you think this story is about to get sleazy, relax. If it was … it would have been posted already on Taiwan-sleaze, not here. So bear with me. It gets better.
The room was out of this world! Soft lights highlighted the golden walls and we slowly entered our home for the next few hours. Like Jack and the Beanstalk we entered a home fit for a giant: majestic curtains, super-sized doors and space everywhere. The TV was as big as a betel nut girl’s glass cage. Man, this is the life!
Within seconds we all stormed the bed and started jumping on it! I was never allowed to do that when I was a young boy, but mommy never said I couldn’t jump when I’m big one day! We posed in all different positions and the tripod really came in handy.
The bathroom was enormous! I for one haven’t had a decent bath in a very long time. The 1.5m tub in my home is much to blame for this, because advanced yoga is needed to actually get most of your body soaked. This Jacuzzi looked like a mini swimming pool. Colored lights, the works! The taps opened, the bubble bath poured and we quickly changed into our costumes.
Soon we were all relaxing in the Jacuzzi for our 4-hour “Shou Shee” with a glass of wine, Christmas cookies and great company. I was surrounded by gorgeous babes and I didn’t want the night to end. Cameras were flashing… lousy pole-dances were attempted (damn you, gluwein!!), but most of all, we had a Christmas that we’ll never forget. The massage table also came in very handy since us two boys were treated to some nice and much-needed massages. I could feel the irritation of Taiwan kids singing Jingle Bells a gazillion times in the last month slowly dripping out of my body.
After taking numerous pictures of this palace, our time was up and we had to leave. When those garage doors opened, the four girls giggled and the two guys laughed. We smiled and waved at the cleaning staff that were already waiting to attack the room to prepare it for its next ‘Aladdin’.
“Merry Christmas!” we shouted, as we headed out. I wish you could have seen their faces. “Liu!!!”(Six!) they shouted. “Liu!?!”. They shook their heads and just couldn’t believe their eyes.
So come on. This is an invitation to all of you who’s never attempted this. Get a great bunch of friends together and book your own Shou Shee in a cool Taiwanese motel. It’s quite cheap if you share the costs. The more the merrier, right? It’s worth it, even just for seeing the faces of the confused staff members! They already think that most foreigners are crazy. Give them a reason to believe it.
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